Since I've been on here. Alot has changed. Reading the previous posts I realize how miserable I was. Maybe I need to start journaling again. Why the hell not. Maybe Ill sleep better at night. 'til tonight, I bid thee well. :P
Why did you leave me? After all we have been through, NOW you want an easy way out? How can you just stop loving someone? You have torn my life apart. You have stomped on my heart. You have killed my soul. And you still want to be friends? Why can't you just give us a chance? Why am I not worth that to you? 6 years of my life I have devoted to you. You are willing to just throw that away literally overnight? I am so sick over you. I cry multiple times a day. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love you and want our marriage to work. But you don't want to hear anything but heres more of your stuff. I feel so betrayed. This is what I wanted in life. You are who I chose. I wouldn't have married you if that weren't the case. DO our vows mean nothing to you? I am here in OUR home that WE made wallowing in the loss of you, while you get to move out and be in a new place wthout having to pick up the peices. You don't have to hear Madisyn ask for daddy and then say shes mad at you. You don't have to be the one to tuck her in every night wake up with her every morning, take care of her day and night. No now you get to be a baby sitter. Now I have to get a full time job to support our child. Something YOU KNOW I am not emotionally stable enough to do. You are my support. You are my comfort. You are my safety. How do I move one without that? What do you want from me? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHY DONT YOU HEAR ME? WHY AM I NOT WORTH A CHANCE? WHY IS OUR FAMILY NOT WORTH TRYING TO SAVE? Im so lonely. I have no one but a two year old to talk to. I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. I am cold at night and don't have you there to warm me up. I miss smelling you. I miss hugging you. I miss just looking at you here. I still sit here waiting for you to come home from work. waiting for you to kiss me hello, to kiss me goodby, to kiss me goodnight. How am I supposed to be strong for maddie when I can't be strong for myself? I just want you to come home. I love you so much. 6 years today. How can you throw that away? Please come home soon.
Wow. So my life lately. Amazing. Maddie is doing amazng with her potty training. So proud of her. We have come to a new discipline strategy. Im so much happier not hitting her. I always cried doing that. I still find myself threatening it tho... Time will help that.
I dyed my hair. Dark. I have never been anythng but blonde. Now that I am a brunette, I, I, um, I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! Fits this new stage in my life.
Carl and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. Wow. Its been a long and alwyas bumpy road. But I am so proud of where we are now and who we have become together. Our life is something to be proud of now and I cherish that.
Still trying to adjust to life and making time for me. I think have finally adjusted to my life with Kel, Mo, and Heather. We have all come to terms with our individual paces. I feel at ease with those relationships back in my life... I need to make plans wth them lol. I simply adore having Kristyna in my life agan and so glad Mad and Kylie get along so well. We have bonded in such a sisterly way. I wish I could communicate that wiith her.... MHMMM Ill work on that. I really miss my Mandie. Carl needs to figure out his relationshipt with RObbie so I can have some more Mandie in my life. She saved me right along wth Carl 6 years ago. I dont want to loose her. Then there's Tina. OH my Tina. I feel lke were are the best of friends that go to the most distant and up and down but in the end we understand lol. I love her, just wish she had more time to make wth me. Oh well. Lifes crazy. It will work out. GUess I just see all these notes from her to others that she misses them and needs them and I feel a little left out. BUt Im over reacting and know that its truely nothing. Stupid me. Oh well. I adore the ladies in my life <3
Sigh. I dont know much else. Waiting to hear from Carl. He got hit yesterday so hopefully his back checks out ok. Car accidents are so scarey!
Can't believe it is August already. Carl and I have been doing ok. We had a "bad" day the other day. But we sorted through it. I have had more energy lately. I am able to be more of a homemaker. Work has had a lot of changes the past few days. But these changes will be good after all the initial stress. I am tryiing to leave work at work, but I think that attributed to the other day. I don't really have much more to say :/ This journaling is hard to get a grasp on...
Mad's napping and so I should Journal. Its been a crazy week. I feel like a distant parent. Just been that busy. Lol. Oh well. It will get better. On the plus side. I have given in to my marriage. I am going to sit back and let it be a happy one. I am going to trust that its getting better. Thats alot for me. So lets start this new chapter in our life. Carl had had a few job interviews. Got both the jobs and now waiting on background checks.
I really think life is fnally looking up. It has been a roungh 6 years. Maybe we have finally gotten out of the hole w e dug...